Business Writing

Washington State of Confusion

I live in the state of Washington. I live in Washington State. And when it comes to capitalization, it's the state of confusion.

People have been emailing to ask when the word state is capitalized. Here is the answer:

When state comes after the state's name, it's capitalized:

Washington State
New York State

When state comes before the state's name, it is lower case, that is, not capitalized:

state of Washington
state of New York
the great state of Texas
the sunny state of California

We who live in Washington State and New York State come up against this question often. We are the only states in the U.S. that need to distinguish ourselves from other geographical entities: Washington, D.C., and New York City. Colorado State, Michigan State, and other such names do not refer to a state, but rather a college or university. (Yes, the word State is still capitalized.)

For those beyond the problems of Washington State and New York State, there are these rules too:

• State is not capitalized when it is used in place of the state name, as in "This is a new state program."
• States is capitalized when it refers to the United States.

Of course, all key words are capitalized in a heading, for example, State of Florida Employment Application.

And how about those cities? Do I live in the City of Seattle--no, it's the city of Seattle. Capitalize city only when it is part of the city's name (Kansas City, Sun City) or its creative name, for example, the Windy City (Chicago).

I hope you are now in a state of clarity.

Lynn

Tips on Proposals That Win

My current monthly e-newsletter, Better Writing at Work, offers 21 tips for writing winning business proposals. Here are the first three, plus a bonus suggestion from a reader. If you like what you read, subscribe here. And if you already subscribe, thank you--see the bonus tip below.

Tip 1: Obey their rules. If you are responding to an RFP (request for proposals) that has specific steps to follow, follow them exactly. Their purchasing or procurement department has probably spent a lot of time preparing the RFP. Ignoring its requirements is an almost certain way to disqualify your proposal. After all, if you won't comply with their request now, what will you do when they hire you?

Tip 2: Focus on this company's needs. In any proposal it's tempting to pull out your "standard proposal" and make minor changes for this new prospective client. But doing so leads to proposals that sound canned and miss the mark. Such proposals do not excite the prospect because they don't focus on their needs (also known as their pain). Yes, refer to old successful proposals for ideas and some content, but review that content through the eyes of the new client.

Tip 3: Use the prospect's language. If the potential customer wants an "associate onboarding process," call your program that. Do not call it an employee orientation program. Using the company's language communicates that you have been listening to them, that you understand them, and that you and your process will fit in.

Bonus tip from Lucy at a U.S. government agency:
As someone who deals with grant proposals, I find that one of the biggest mistakes is not explaining basic information about your institution in ways that are clear to people in other situations. Not every state has the same laws, not every university runs the same way, and the proposals are reviewed by reviewers from institutions in other settings. People in institutions get so used to how they do things; they forget that others don't do things that way.

Subscribe to the free newsletter here. See my post "Proposals--Where to Focus" here.

Happy proposing.

Lynn

Ants in the Classroom, Reply to All

I was teaching a seminar in a ground-floor classroom for a favorite client, and I was charged with making coffee for the group. Setting up the coffee, sugar, cream, etc., I noticed quite a few tiny ants on the table. I swept them into the trash with a wet paper towel, but later there were more tiny ants, and more. There seemed to be an endless supply of ants.

When the seminar ended, I emailed my client to let him know about the ants. He emailed the maintenance department, requesting that the room be sprayed to eliminate the ant infestation. On this message he copied (Cc'd) me, his manager, and someone else I didn't know.

From that moment on, I got emails (Reply to All) about every single step of the process: I was copied on the discussion of ants in other parts of the building. I was informed of when the room had most recently been sprayed. I got the confirmation of the work order to spray the room. I was notified when the room spraying was completed. I was copied on the thank you my contact sent to the maintenance department, and I believe I received a copy of the "You're welcome, anytime" message the maintenance department sent back.

I taught business writing in that room twice a year. Do you think I needed to be Cc'd on all those messages? No, I don't think so either.

My "ants in the classroom" experience took place several years ago, but it came to mind last week in a seminar discussion about email. One man admitted that whenever he received an email that required a response, he would Reply to All if other people had been Cc'd on the email. It did not matter whether he knew the people or knew why they were Cc'd. He would still Reply to All.

Other people in the seminar called this CYA (cover your _ss) behavior. The man agreed, but he felt Replying to All was required.

I understand his viewpoint, but I disagree with the requirement. When I reply in email, I reply to the person who emailed me--not to all the people who were cc'd. However, if I know them or who they are and I know that they would benefit from my reply, I will Reply to All.

Unless the person who sends the original message writes "Please Reply to All," I believe we can--and should--take the opportunity to reduce unnecessary email. Otherwise we will all drown in Cc'd CYA email. Even after the innocent ants have been eliminated, people will still be getting copies about their demise--people who don't need or want to know about it.

Reply? Reply to All? What is your view?

Lynn   

   

Help With Your Holiday Writing

Update on December 27, 2011: For current new year's greetings, read this post.

With the holiday season upon us and the end of 2007 approaching, I want to share some resources and templates for your holiday business writing. Here are past blog entries that people have found helpful:

Sending Holiday Greetings includes seven examples of short holiday messages. It also refers you to the University of Kansas Medical Center's excellent list of religious and ethnic holidays. And visit Omniglot for the correct rendering of "Merry Christmas" and "Happy New Year" in many languages.

Tips for Writing a Holiday Letter offers guidelines for longer holiday messages that review the previous year. People typically send these to friends and family rather than business associates, but this blog post may give you ideas on communicating about your successes and obstacles.

Holiday Greetings--By Email? offers my detailed thoughts on email greetings vs. cards sent through the mail. I still vote for tangible cards--I like to decorate my office with them. But I enjoy the tasteful and sometimes hilarious email greetings I receive.

I wrote Saying Thank You to Customers last Thanksgiving to share ideas on Thanksgiving messages. However, the content works well anytime you want to thank customers and others. When you read the post, just replace Thanksgiving with the holiday of your choice.

When you are ready to write "Happy New Year!" read Happy New Year Sentiments and Sentences. In it I share sample New Year messages for customers, clients, patrons, and employees. On to New Year's Wishes tells how to write "Happy New Year" and related phrases with correct capitalization and punctuation.

Post-Holiday Writing Etiquette covers how to acknowledge holiday cards and gifts you receive in your business.

When you aren't thinking about the end-of-year holidays, you may be writing your end-of-year review. Here are suggestions to make that task easier.

Do you have thoughts or resources on holiday writing? Please share them. And if I have not covered your question about holiday communication, please send it to me or ask it here. But please check out the posts above first.

Happy holidays!

Lynn

Email Conversations--Pro and Con

Last week I led a Writing Tune-Up for a world-class investment company. When we talked about new rules for email, one woman suggested this rule:

Don't have business discussions in email. It's not efficient. If you want to talk with a group of people, schedule a meeting and send out an agenda.

Another woman countered that suggestion. Her view was:

Have discussions in email. That way, you will have a written record of everyone's contribution. At too many live meetings, no one takes notes, so there is no record of everyone's ideas. Also, in email you can have a conversation with people in Seattle, London, and Tokyo without worrying about what time it is on the other side of the world.

I agree with both. Email discussions can be messy, but they are a great alternative for international communication. And live meetings are much more productive when someone takes notes and distributes them than when no one does.

Do you have suggestions about how to make email discussions more efficient? Please share them.

Lynn

Your Untethered Reader

Earlier this week I got a good email tip from a participant in the Writing Tune-Up. When I asked for additional rules for email etiquette and efficiency, Tom offered this one:

If you have a deadline within a few days, don't just communicate it in email. Pick up the phone to be sure the person gets your message.

Tom had a specific reason for his suggestion. Unlike much of the business world, he is not tethered to a computer or a BlackBerry. He works out of doors, and he may check his email only once a week. Not once an hour, not even once a day--once a week!

Do you write to someone like Tom? If so, adjust your expectations and your behavior. If you have a deadline on Friday, don't even think of emailing him or her your request on Friday morning or Thursday afternoon. Pick up the phone to be sure you get through, and try that a few days earlier. (Of course, this is always good advice when you have a deadline looming.)

It all gets back to understanding your audience, including those untethered readers.

For 110 more email suggestions, get my tips booklet.

Lynn

What Amazing Feet!

On a coffee break in a recent business writing workshop, an attendee was checking her email. Suddenly she laughed a hearty "Hah! Hah! Hah!" People scattered around the room wondered what could be so funny. She explained:

"I'm reading an email I was copied on. It's a thank you to someone for her group's amazing feet--f-e-e-t!"

Feet or feat? We can only imagine.

Lynn

Lost on a Web Site

I just received an email response from an online company. I had visited their site, wanting to buy a gift certificate for my husband. But I couldn't figure out how to do it. Was a gift certificate considered a product? If so, would it be in their online catalog? Because I couldn't figure out how to buy a gift certificate (and because, like most shoppers, I did not want to work too hard for the information), I had clicked Contact and emailed them asking how to buy a gift certificate.

The polite response was classic:

Gift Certificates can be purchased online by visiting our web site at www. . . . They are available in $25, $50, $100, and $300 denominations.

I had said "Please send information on how I can purchase a gift certificate." The response was "on our web site." But "on our web site" is where I had come from. Where on the web site? How?

The writer did give me another option--to phone her--but I would have appreciated the "how" instead.

I returned to the web site. After a couple of minutes I realized I could type "gift certificate" in the product search box. Now I know how to order what I want.

The issue is "on our web site." As business writers, we must recognize that customers and clients do not know our site navigation the way we do. It is not obvious to them. Unless what they want is offered clearly and boldly on our home page--or is named in a link from the home page--they just get lost. We need to provide them with a direct link or specific instructions.

For example, if the email I received had said "Click this link and type gift certificate in the search box," I would have known what to do. But a link directly to the gift certificates would have been faster.

As business writers, let's change "on our web site" to "on our web site right here." But let's only do that if we want to stay in business.

Lynn

A Good Set of Conference Room Rules

Here's another example of good writing. I found this set of rules just inside the door of a conference room at the Seattle-Tacoma International Airport, where I was teaching Better Business Writing this week.

Conference Room Rules

If you use it, you are responsible to:

• Clean up after use, including catering items.
• Wipe table with a damp rag when necessary.
• Put all trash in the garbage.
• Push the chairs back into the table.
• Erase the white board.
• Turn the lights off.

We do not have a custodial service to clean between meetings, so your attention to these simple details will be appreciated by the next user.

Thank you.
Airport Facilities Manager

That brief set of steps is everything it needs to be. It's short, just 83 words from beginning to end. It lists each of the actions the reader should take, and each action begins with a simple verb (clean, wipe, etc.). It's clear and courteous.

Another great feature of this set of rules is its placement--on the wall just inside the door. People who use the room can't miss it--when they are leaving, it's right there at eye level to tell them what to do. Yet it doesn't distract people during a meeting, and it doesn't get in the way on a table.

Procedures or steps often fail because they aren't in the right place at the right time. For example, emailing these rules would not make sense. People only need them when they are finished using the room.

I would make just one change in the opening words. I would write "If you use this room" rather that "If you use it." Although "it" is clear, I prefer the precision of naming "this room."

As I just reread the rules, I noticed that they could be used in many conference rooms. That's another excellent feature. The shop that creates the signs can use this message repeatedly rather than tailoring messages to individual rooms.

Nice job, Port of Seattle! Your sign encouraged me to leave the conference room just as I had found it--clean and ready for use.

Lynn 

A Great Letter from My Doctor

With examples of weak writing everywhere, I wanted to share an example of an excellent letter I received from my doctor at Group Health Cooperative. I have included my comments in brackets.

Dear Lynn, [This is right for me. My doctor and I are the same age.]

As your doctor, I want to make sure you have the information and tools you need to help you live a healthier life. [I am glad to know that.] Thanks to Group Health's new electronic medical records, I'm now able to provide you with this printed overview of specific recommendations based on your age, sex, and personal health information. [I am pleased to know about this personalized service.]

Get your recommended screenings. [This bold heading got my attention and told me what to do.]
Please be sure to get the screening tests on the enclosed summary. You'll see the date you last had the test (if we have it in our records) and the date you need to have it again. [The information she refers to is on an attractively formatted attachment, and it is correct. That gives me high confidence in her and my health plan.] To arrange these tests, either call my office [the phone number is included] or send me a private email if you're registered for enhanced access on MyGroupHealth at www.ghc.org. If you aren't registered, I encourage you to sign up at www.ghc.org. If you have any questions about these recommendations or believe that you don't need a certain test, please let me know. [The use of "you" and "me" communicates a solid personal relationship. Note: She isn't "selling" the recommended tests. My health plan covers their costs.]

The next paragraph starts with the bold heading Get even more support with the new Health Profile. It then tells me about another online tool I can use to get customized healthcare information.

The letter closes with this short paragraph:

I hope you'll use the wellness resources available to you at Group Health. [an effective call to action] Working together with these tools, you and I can do more to make your health a priority. [The positive language ends the letter with just the right tone.]

I know this letter was written by someone in member communications--not my doctor. But the message sounds like her, and it communicates caring, competence, and customer service in language I can easily understand. I am impressed and grateful.

Lynn