Business Writing

Parallel Structure and the New Samsung Propel

On Saturday I bought a new Samsung Propel mobile phone. As someone over 40, I love reading the manual to learn about the phone. My behavior contrasts with that of my 14-year-old daughter, who got a new phone on Saturday too. She just uses her new LG Vu phone. She doesn't need a manual. 

The Propel's manual is written and indexed well. It does have one error in it, though. See if you can find the error in this sentence:

"Your phone is lightweight, easy to use and offers many significant features."

The error isn't the absence of a comma before the word and. That comma is optional.

The problem is the lack of parallel structure. With parallel structure, or parallelism, the items in a series are all structured the same--all in the same form. These are not the same:

• lightweight
• easy to use
• offers

Lightweight and easy to use are both adjectives, but offers is a verb.

Here's a corrected version:

"Your phone is lightweight, easy to use, and full of features."

The corrected series has three adjectives:

• lightweight
• easy to use
• full

Sentences that aren't parallel throw readers off track, as does other fuzzy writing. "How to Defuzz Your Writing" is the subject of the latest issue of Better Writing at Work, my free monthly e-newsletter. To receive practical business writing tips each month, subscribe here.

In any case, my new phone is lightweight, easy to use, and full of features. Soon I will actually be using the features rather than reading and writing about the manual!

Lynn
Syntax Training

Condolences to Friends in Australia

Australians remembered the victims of the tragic bushfires today in a national day of mourning. I send condolences to our neighbors on the other side of the globe. I am sorry for your heartbreaking losses of loved ones, property, and community.

Fionna wrote asking for help to write a condolence message to friends:

"I want to send a card to friends who lost their home in the recent bushfires in Victoria, Australia. Luckily they were away when the fires hit, but with the loss of their home and its contents and the damage to the community, I would like to commiserate with them. Any ideas on what to write?"

Yes, Fionna. I do have ideas. Since Hurricane Katrina hit the U.S. Southeast in 2005, I have been sharing examples and suggestions for notes of sympathy and commiseration in my Writing Condolences category. In fact, the examples in response to Hurricane Katrina fit the bushfires well. You need only change the details from hurricane to bushfire.

But here's a sample message for you to adapt:

Dear Simon and Samantha,

I am so sorry about the loss of your home and the devastation of your lovely community. You have been in my thoughts since the blaze struck. I was relieved knowing you were away from home, but I share your sorrow in all that you have lost.

Please know that I am thinking of you in your time of sadness and loss.

Fionna

This example is for someone who lost a family member:

Dear Stephen,

Please accept my condolences on the death of your brother Nigel. His sudden death at the hands of the bushfires is tragic and heartbreaking. We all wish we could undo what happened and bring him back as his funny, wisecracking self. The world is a lesser place without Nigel in it.

I wish I had words that could make your pain less. But at least you know my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family as you grieve.

In sympathy,

Bruce

I extend my sympathy to all who suffered a loss in Victoria. I hope these examples are helpful.

Lynn
Syntax Training

When a Joke Is Not a Joke

In response to my monthly newsletter, I just received this automatic out-of-office email response:

I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return from holiday (2nd of March). Please, be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order in which it was received.

Br,

Pertti

The message came from someone at a global plastics company.

What do you think? Is it amusing? Does it present the company well?

As someone who prides herself on her professional communication, I admit I was shocked. If I had emailed Pertti as a client or customer, I would be likely to take my business elsewhere. 

What is your view? Do you think Pertti will be looking for a new job when the holiday is over?

Lynn
Syntax Training

Who Is "The Undersigned"? Me!

I am working on my presentation "Business Writing for Claims Professionals" for the PLRB/LIRB Claims Conference next month in Seattle. (PLRB=Property Loss Research Bureau; LIRB=Liability Insurance Research Bureau.) 

Among my examples of insurance writing is this letter sent to a friend of mine who was injured in a serious automobile accident:

Dear Mr. xxxx xxxxx:

I hope this letter finds you well.

I would appreciate an update on your injuries and ask that you contact the undersigned.

Please contact me so that we can discuss this further. I can be reached weekdays between 9:00AM - 1:00PM at the above telephone numbers.

Thank you and I hope to hear from you soon.

Sincerely,

xxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxx
Claims Specialist

"The undersigned" is an example of what drives people nuts about insurance writing. It is distant and unnecessarily complicated. After all, who is the undersigned? Me.  

I recommend banishing "the undersigned" from your vocabulary unless your goal is indeed to be distant and complicated. That is never my goal.

Here's a better version of the letter:

Dear xxxx xxxxx:

I hope you are feeling well. I would appreciate an update on your injuries. . . .  [Tell why.]

Would you please call me at ______ [Give phone numbers]? I am available weekdays between 9 a.m. and 1 p.m.

I look forward to talking with you.

Sincerely,

xxxx xxxxxxxxxxx
Claims Specialist

Do you have good or bad examples of writing that involves insurance claims? If so, please email them to the undersigned--me! You and I can help the insurance industry communicate more effectively. Feel free to remove any identifying information, or I will do so.

Lynn 
Syntax Training

When Is Confidence Presumptuous?

In a business communications class last night, we discussed a closing sentence in a cover letter--that is, a letter of application for a job. Here is the sentence:

I look forward to being interviewed for the position.

We argued about whether that sentence is positive and confident or pushy and presumptuous.

What do you think? If you read that sentence at the end of a letter of application from someone who appeared to have all the qualifications you seek, how would you react? Would you be impressed by the applicant's confidence or turned off by the applicant's presumptuousness?

Please share your view. Granted, you have not read the rest of the letter. But how does that sentence feel to you?

Lynn
Syntax Training

An Error We Can All Avoid

Today I received a contract for an upcoming program I will lead. In the contract, my last name is spelled wrong. On the program flyer, my last name and company name are both spelled wrong.

In a recent list of recommended business blogs, both my first name and last name were spelled wrong. Frequently links to this blog spell my name wrong.

Last week I sent a proposal to a woman named Candi. Before I clicked Send, I noticed that Candi's full name was Candace--not Candice, as I had thought. Whew--good catch! I quickly changed her name on the letter I was sending her by U.S. mail.

In our rush to get things done, we have all made these mistakes. But let's not kid ourselves. Spelling someone's name incorrectly is a stupid, avoidable, careless mistake.

The spelling of someone's name is a no-brainer. We don't need to argue over it, wonder about it, or worry that we have somehow misunderstood. We simply have to confirm the correct spelling. Using the Internet, it is easy to learn whether Marcia should be Marsha. It's simple to find out whether Lynn is actually Lynne. And checking the name of a company takes mere seconds. If the Internet doesn't have the answer, we can call to find out.

Let's do it. Let's pause before clicking Send or sealing the envelope. Let's confirm: Is her name Michelle or Michele? Is she Judy or Judi? Is he Barack or Barak? A Gerry or a Jerry?

Taking the time now will eliminate the embarrassment later. It's a worthwhile tradeoff.

Lynn (not Lynne or Lyn)
Syntax Training (not Syntex)