Business Writing

An Outreach Message That Failed

What do you think of this email I received?

**************************
From: DavBlake@aol.com [I made up the address.]
To: Undisclosed Recipients [That phrase filled the To line.]
Subject: Writing Skills training

I was referred to you by a colleague at Boeing.

I conduct business communication workshops and am looking for partnering opportunities in the Seattle area. Please let me know if you are taking on additional trainers or can provide referrals.

Thank you.

David Blake   [I have disguised this information.]
Communications Company
Chicago, Illinois
***************************

How do you feel about the message?

It disappointed me. If this person had taken just five minutes to personalize his message, I would have phoned or emailed him within a day to talk about his experience and interests. We might have begun a mutually rewarding business relationship. But as it was, I could barely keep the sarcasm out of my "Thanks but no thanks" reply. I wanted to write, "Thank you for including me in your list of undisclosed recipients," but my husband reminded me that I am a better person than that.

Here is what "David" should have done:

1. Send an individual email to me--not to a mailing list.
2. Greet me "Dear Lynn."
3. Name the colleague at Boeing, if there is one. If there isn't one, then tell me why he has chosen me to contact.
4. Tell me something exciting about his background that would get me interested in him.
5. Give me the URL for his website. (He has a perfectly fine website that I tracked down--he did not even mention it!)
6. Provide a phone number.

I don't know why David even bothered sending out such an unimpressive message. Do you?

If you have friends who are looking for a job or a consulting opportunity, please remind them that bland, blanket messages are worse than useless. They frustrate, disappoint, and turn off readers.

Thanks for spreading the word.

Lynn
Syntax Training

When Plain Speech Becomes Sloppy Writing

I have been reading my health plan's new description of plans and benefits, which came in the mail recently. The company is raising health care premiums 13 percent. As someone who already pays over $800 each month for coverage for our family of three, I am reading the information carefully in search of ways to cut our costs responsibly.

In my careful reading, I came across these folksy headings:

"Here's the stuff you need to know so there are no surprises down the road."

"Yes, here's more fine print, but please give it a read. It's important stuff."

Stuff? Give it a read? Important stuff?

I am all for a breezy, informal style. I nearly always use one on this blog, but I am not writing to customers about health care benefits and costs. 

In a booklet called "Individual & Family Plans: A Summary of Benefits," I would prefer plain, careful writing, especially when I am trying to save money.

I also dislike vague descriptions such as the glossary entry given for coinsurance: "This is the percentage of the cost of the care you receive." Hmmm. Which percentage? Whose percentage? Why is it called coinsurance? Does it mean I have to pay something--is that the "co" part?

Am I just grouchy because I don't want to pay more? I don't think so. I think I am simply wishing for a businesslike tone in this business communication.

What do you think?

Lynn
Syntax Training

The Awkward "Please"

Adam wrote to me about the use of the word please in his company. A word that is supposed to warm up a message is making him question people's motives.

Adam shared these examples, which I have disguised slightly. He is wondering whether they seem manipulative. What do you think?

1. What do think of my suggestion, please?
2. Do you think we should sign the two-year contract, please?
3. David, thanks for your recommendation. Please schedule a meeting with Lei and me to discuss it.
4. Randi, can you cover the front desk during the meeting, please?
5. Who was the last person to use the conference room, please?

The only example that sounds natural is Number 3. In the other sentences, tacking on a please is awkward at best. At worst, it comes across as either whiny or impatient--or in Number 5, a bit ominous. Those impressions are all unfortunate, especially if the writer used please simply to be polite rather than pushy.

These revisions accomplish the same goal without awkwardness:

1. Please let me know what you think of my suggestion. Thanks!
   OR--I'd love to know what you think of my suggestion.
   OR--Have you had a chance to consider my suggestion? I would enjoy knowing what you think of it.
2. Do you think we should sign the two-year contract?
   OR--What is your opinion of the two-year contract?
   OR--Please let me know whether you recommend the two-year contract.
3. [I thought the example was fine as is. Here is a less directive version:]
   David, thanks for your recommendation. Would you please schedule a meeting with Lei and me to discuss it?
4. Randi, can you please cover the front desk during the meeting?

Number 5 should probably be scrapped altogether. In many companies, it's easy to find out who used the conference room most recently. But if it is not easy, this approach may be more honest, depending on circumstances:

I don't know who used the conference room last, so I need to remind everyone that we do not have daily janitorial service. That's why it's important to leave the conference room clean for the next group that wants to use it.

I agree with Adam that these pleases are not effective. So what can he do? He might try saying--not writing--something like this to the writers in question.

When the word please is tacked on to a message, I'm not sure how to read it. Sometimes it feels--to me--like an exclamation or frustration. What do you intend when you add please to a question?

With that opening remark, he can work toward helping his coworker or coworkers be more successful--and polite.

I live in the upper lefthand corner of the continental United States, and I may be linguistically biased on this question. I welcome your comments, please.

Just kidding about the please.

Lynn
Syntax Training

Your Help Please With "As Per"

Dear Technical Writers,

Would you please help me with a question about "as per"?

In a business writing class in San Diego, a participant wanted to help her team write better technical instructions. Their instructions are wordy, use overly sophisticated language, and do not follow a consistent format.

She made good progress toward her goal, but she--and I--got stuck on "as per."  Is "as per" acceptable in technical writing as a substitute for "according to"? Or is there a better way of communicating something like this sentence, which I have made up:

Attach the plate to the rod as per Instruction 3231 on plate-rod assembly.

The idea is that some steps in the instructions refer to other instructions.

In business writing I encourage everyone to replace "as per" with clear language, like this:

As per your request As you requested, I have postponed the meeting.

But I am not sure what works effectively in technical writing when the instructions cite another set of instructions that assemblers must follow. Is "as per" a good solution?

I would love your suggestions. And if you can recommend a guide to writing technical instructions for me to add to my library, please do.

Many thanks!

Lynn
Syntax Training

How to Avoid Silly Errors in Email

A procurement manager from Washington, D.C., asked for ways to avoid silly errors caused by too little time to proofread and too much reliance on the grammar and spelling checker. I am happy to share my strategies:

1. Rethink your attitude toward proofreading. Proofreading is not a luxury. It's as essential as bread and water. The 45 seconds it may take to carefully proofread an email can save hours of resending messages, clarifying, and getting over embarrassment. The manager who wrote to a new employee "Please bare with me while I learn the ropes" probably still shudders when he thinks of it.
2. Proofread aloud, reading every word. Aloud may mean just whispering to yourself, but do voice each word. Doing so will help you find errors as well as sentences that don't make perfect sense.
3. When you make a change while proofreading, proofread the changed paragraph or sentence again. Frequently edits are the cause of additional errors. For example, if you change "Thanks you for the gift" to "Thank for the gift," you have a new error.
4. Look closely for typical errors. The most common error is giving the wrong date or matching the date with the wrong day of the week. Another common one is you for your. Another is missing words, and missing punctuation at the end of the sentence. If you frequently type it's for its, look for that error. (It's must mean "it is." It's has no other correct meaning.)
5. Save any important email in your drafts folder, and then come back to it a few minutes later. Just a few minutes away from the message will help you spot errors.
6. Before clicking Send, check the "To" line and your greeting. Be sure you have written to the correct Christie, and be sure you have not spelled her name Christi or Cristie or Kristie, especially if that is your sister's name.

For other ideas on proofreading, please check my proofreading posts here.

Do you have suggestions for avoiding silly errors in email? Please share your tips.

Lynn
Syntax Training

Obama's Well-Written Notre Dame Speech

As a graduate of the University of Notre Dame, I took special interest in the controversy over President Obama's commencement speech, which he delivered in South Bend, Indiana, yesterday. I could see the picketers and processions in my mind, and I was eager to see how he handled the heated situation.

[Note: The controversy involves the President's pro-choice position on abortion and his support of stem cell research, both of which disagree with the pro-life views of the Catholic Church. Notre Dame is a Catholic university.]

Although the controversy continues to swirl, the speech is a model for business writers. Here is why:

• The speech has a clear theme that resounds throughout. His theme is understanding and cooperation to achieve noble goals that benefit all. Not one sentence in the speech detracts from that theme.
• The language brings home the theme again and again:
  "No one person, or religion, or nation can meet these challenges alone."
  "Open hearts. Open minds. Fair-minded words."
  "When people set aside their differences, even for a moment, to work in common effort toward a common goal; when they struggle together, and sacrifice together, and learn from one another--then all things are possible."
• The speech is written for the audience. The President mentioned Notre Dame traditions, quoted and told a relevant story about the former president of Notre Dame (Rev. Theodore Hesburgh), told a story about coming to know and admire a deceased Catholic Archbishop of Chicago (Cardinal Joseph Bernardin) who influenced Obama's spiritual development, and praised the class valedictorian (Brennan Bollman), along with the class of 2009. There was nothing one-size-fits-all about the speech. All the details fit the audience. 
• The speech is direct and honest. Rather than skirting the controversy, the speech confronts it:
  "We're not going to shy away from things that are uncomfortable sometimes."
  "The fact is that at some level the views of the two camps are irreconcilable. Each side will continue to make its case . . . with passion and conviction. But surely we can do so without reducing those with differing views to caricature."
• The speech begins with a thank you and some ice-breaking, self-deprecating humor. Obama mentioned being only 1 for 2 in terms of getting honorary degrees and needing advice from Father Hesburgh, who is 150 for 150.
• The speech is lofty and inspiring, a perfect match for a graduation. It ends with America continuing on "its precious journey towards that more perfect union."

Beyond everything that made it a fine speech, the commencement address modeled its message of openness, dialog, and cooperation in the face of differences.

In that spirit of oneness, I congratulate the class of 2009.

Lynn
Syntax Training

Proofreaders and Thieves: Check Everything!

Recently in the National Geographic Magazine blog David Brindley confessed an embarrassing error in the May issue of National Geographic. In his post, "Slips Happen," he admitted that the thoroughly researched and beautifully mapped story "Arctic Landgrab" contained one ugly error: the misspelling on page 112 of Alaska as Alaksa.

Since the map that contained the egregious error contained only nine words, the misspelling was all the more noticeable.

And in my Sunday Seattle Times this week, I read about the thief who got caught trying to use a forged cashier's check for a shipment of 50 cell phones. How did he slip up? The forged check spelled cashier's as cahier's.

Let's learn from the missteps of proofreaders and thieves--and check everything: proper names, locations, little words, big words, subject lines, headings, headers, footers, paragraphs, bullet points, closings, signature blocks, dates, and even maps and checks.

No doubt, both National Geo and the man "buying" cell phones have learned their lessons!

Lynn
Syntax Training

Notes to Friends Who Have Lost Their Jobs

Friends and colleagues who have lost their jobs need to hear from us. But it can be challenging to decide what to say, with job loss having so many sides to it: stress, opportunity, rest, disillusionment, freedom, fear, elation. Or all of the above.

Yes, it's difficult to know what to say, but we must say something that shows we care.

Here are a 10 examples you can adapt when friends, coworkers, clients, and vendors find that their jobs are gone. Send cards, notes, or emails with messages like these:

Dear Dale,
I spoke to Julie last night, and she told me you had lost your job. I am sorry to hear that! Knowing how much you enjoyed your job, I am guessing the loss hurts. Please accept my sympathy.
I would enjoy talking to you about what you are planning next. Please give me a call when you are ready.
Best regards,
Melinda

Dear Zoe,
When I returned from my vacation and saw your office empty, I was surprised and saddened. Please accept my sympathy. I don't know how you are feeling about leaving, but I do know change is stressful. I hope everything is going well for you.
I will be thinking about you as you go through this transition.
Sharon

Hi, Sheng. I was sorry to learn that your job was eliminated in the layoff. I know you were hoping to miss that bullet, and I am sorry it hit you.
You are an extremely talented designer, and I hope this layoff will not shake your confidence. If you need a dose of praise and support, give me a call. I will be glad to tell you how terrific you are, any time.
Take care.
Peter

Sweta, I am sorry you lost your job in the recent cuts. It was always a pleasure to work with you, and I will miss seeing you at the Tuesday meetings. You are always positive and professional.
I hope your search for a new position is short and as pleasant as possible!
Kevin

Hello, Beth. I just received your out-of-office message stating that you have left the company. That is the reason I am using your Comcast address. I don't know what your situation is, but I wanted to let you know I enjoyed working with you over the past two years. 
I wish you much success.
Best wishes,
Karl

Dear Victor,
I just heard the sad news! Please accept my condolences. I know how much you wanted to keep that job.  
If there is anything I can do to help you land a new position, let me know. I have contacts in the city, and I would be happy to make introductions. Just let me know if you are interested.
Warm regards,
David

Hi, Zuhair. I just heard you were let go, and I wanted to wish you good luck. I know you were expecting the worst, so the situation was not a surprise. Still, it's a change, and I hope you will get through it well.
I want to stay in touch. I have made a note in my calendar to call you next month.
Until then,
George

Dear Amanda,
Rudy told me you left your position last month when the company was sold. I wish you much success in your next endeavor, whatever you choose to do. Your skills are many. You have much to offer your next employer.
Best of luck,
Ron

Hi, Fawaz. I just learned you were part of last week's reduction in force. If there is anything I can do to help you look for a new job, please ask me. I would be happy to recommend you.
I hope you will find a great opportunity that matches your skills.
Suresh

Dear David,
I am sorry to hear your job was eliminated, and I am hoping this situation turns out to be a wonderful opportunity for you. Although change can be difficult, sometimes changing jobs is the best thing that can happen to us. I trust your future will be bright!
Sadie

If you email your message, use a subject line such as:

Best of Luck to You, Renee
Wishing You All the Best
Goodbye and Good Luck, Mark!
Sympathy on Your Job Loss
Kendra, Let's Stay in Touch
Good Luck in Your Job Search

Avoid talking too much about the depressed economy. That kind of news is everywhere. After all, your friend needs only one job--not an entire economy.

Do you have suggestions for notes to people whose jobs have been cut? Please share them.

Lynn
Syntax Training

See You Soon, Exclamation Point!

In a recent Better Business Writing class, a participant asked me to post a blog on exclamation points, also known as exclamation marks. "They are everywhere!" she said.

She's right! They are everywhere! And just as you are beginning to worry that my overuse of them here will be disgustingly cute, I will stop using them.  

That's the point about exclamation marks. They can be perfect when used thoughtfully. But overused, they make a business message sound and look silly. 

In my first paragraph (above), the exclamation point in "They are everywhere!" is fine. It communicates the feeling behind the comment in a way that "They are everywhere" followed by a comma would not.

But my exclamation points in the second paragraph come across like talking too loud at a restaurant. They get people's attention but make them wonder if I know how to behave.

We do need ways to express our enthusiasm and excitement in writing. But words can do much of the work for us. For example, the statement "I can't wait to meet you" needs no exclamation mark. The eagerness is in the language. Likewise, "We are all looking forward to working with you" conveys enthusiasm without the need for punctuation hype.  

On the other hand, this single word without an exclamation mark suggests disappointment: "Great."  Yet "Great!" communicates excitement.

I'm not near my shelves of reference books to do punctuation research tonight, so I will suggest a few rules on my own: 

Rule 1: Never use more than one exclamation mark to make your point. Not this!!!

Rule 2: Avoid using more than one exclamation mark in a paragraph. If you want to use more than one, try to find words to exclaim instead.

Rule 3: Add joy to your workplace. If the enthusiastic "Thanks!" or "See you soon!" will brighten someone's day, use it. 

What rules do you recommend?

Lynn
Syntax Training