Business Writing

Smiling at My Inbox

This week I received an email from someone who wanted to write for this blog. In the five-sentence message, I noted these little blunders:

• No words were capitalized, not even my name.
• The phrase "clients website" had no apostrophe.
• The first sentence, "hope you are well," ended with a hyphen, not a period.
• The second sentence, a statement about wondering, ended with a question mark.
• The third sentence, like the first, ended in a hyphen.
• The last sentence, "let me know what you think," ended in a smiley face.

Yes, I was smiling--and sighing.

Lynn
Syntax Training

Help Customers Think Positively

Yesterday I wrote about the effective personalized email I received from IX Web Hosting. But the personalization was not the only strong point of the message. The email was a fine example of leading the customer-reader to think positively by using positive language.  

First, the subject of the email was "Upgrades to Your IX Web Hosting Account." Not changes--upgrades.  

The first paragraph included "Thank you," "sincerely delighted," and "serve you and your website," which encouraged a positive mindset. 

The third paragraph got me excited about something I thought I would never care about, improvements in web-hosting infrastructure:

"We now have a 100% brand-new hosting infrastructure that will pose numerous benefits to you, your site and its visitors! Speed, security, flexibility and uptime are just a few of the areas where you will experience extensive improvement."

Notice that the excerpt above focuses on benefits, not features--and not boring technical details.

Since I have been satisfied with my web-hosting plan, learning that I will "experience extensive improvement" intrigued me. I am eagerly wondering what it will be like.

Other words and phrases in the message--"benefit," "satisfied with our service," and "always happy to hear what you have to say--kept me feeling enthusiastic about my web host.

The next time you write to a customer, make it your business to help your reader feel good about your message. If my web host can get me excited about an upgrade, I bet you can inspire a positive response too.

Note: Since I have praised the IX Web Hosting email in two blog entries, I feel the need to tell you that I have no financial relationship with the company other than to pay our web-hosting fee annually.

Lynn
Syntax Training

Personalizing a Mass Mailing--Yes You Can!

In my business writing classes, attendees often state that it is virtually impossible to personalize their mass mailings--both in print and in email. But I send my e-newsletter, Better Writing at Work, to more than 10,000 subscribers each month, and I greet each reader by name--if the reader has included his or her name when subscribing.

Today I received a perfectly personalized letter from CEO Fathi Said of IX Web Hosting, where we host our company website. In the message, he greeted me by name, then began with this sentence: "You have been a customer for over 6 years, and we wanted to say 'Thank you.'"

Later in the message Mr. Said mentioned that we began using IX Web Hosting services on May 24, 2004. He noted that August 24, 2010, would be our renewal date but that unfortunately the plan we are on has been discontinued. He told me that we would be switched automatically to the plan that is the closest equivalent to our current plan, and he included the cost of the new plan. 

I liked his email. It was written to me, not to "Valued Customer." Rather than providing general information such as "some customer plans will be changed," it provided specific information about our plan and how and when it would change.

If I had received a generic message from IX Web Hosting, I would probably not have read it. And then I might have been irritated when I realized our plan and pricing had changed.

Don't fall into the trap of thinking that you cannot personalize your customer communications. Your customers may switch to a vendor who knows how to do it. 

Lynn
Syntax Training

Editors: Here Is Data to Support Your Job

Susan Daffron of Logical Expressions gave me a link to an excellent article-blog post "How to Measure the Value of Editors," by James Mathewson. Mr. Mathewson is editor in chief at IBM.com.

IBM conducted a study in which they measured the difference in response rates to an unedited and an edited version of a web page. Measured by clicks on the desired links, the edited version drew 30 percent more clicks.

Yes, 30 percent more clicks!

When those clicks represent actions by potential customers, each one has a dollar value, especially in our pay-per-click marketplace. In the IBM case, that value can be attributed directly and solely to the editor.

Read the article at digitalbookworld.com. It gives a historical example of the value of editing, explaining that in early drafts of the Declaration of Independence, Thomas Jefferson used the word subjects. Perhaps supported by editors John Adams and Benjamin Franklin, Jefferson later changed subjects to citizens. Mathewson suggests that the change may have altered the course of U.S. history.

Editors, I hope you can use IBM's data to support your contribution to your company's bottom line. Perhaps the article will inspire you to measure your own dollar value.

If you have suggestions in support of hard-working editors, please share them.

Note: Mr. Mathewson's article was originally published online at Writing for Digital.

Lynn 
Syntax Training

Job Seekers: Start Out Strong and Persuasively

I received an email from a man who was interested in working with me as a business writing teacher. I could not consider him as a colleague because his message and his attachment started out wrong.

The email started this way:

Subject: Trainer Candidate

Dear Lynn,

I am a 60-year-old business executive who is just finishing up my latest assignment and interested in trying something new.

What part of the opening sentence gets your attention? For me, "60-year-old" grabbed all my attention, yet a person's age is rarely persuasive, especially when it leans toward retirement.

The sentence also focuses on his interest in trying something new--not on my interest in having qualified instructors in other parts of the country. It also emphasizes trying something new--not something he has done before--which does not win over a potential employer.

In an attachment in which the writer wanted to document his experience as a teacher-trainer, he began this way:

Never having been in a teaching position, I have, nevertheless, had significant academic, group presentation, and training experience.

He led with the weakest word possible: never. The opening phrase stomped out my interest in reading further. If he had begun strongly with "I have signficant training, group presentation, and academic experience," I would have kept reading with interest and building excitement.

If you are a job seeker or someone whose job requires persuasive communication (that includes just about all of us), remember that it is your responsibility to get and keep your reader's interest. That means focusing on the reader rather than yourself--even when the message is about you.

In the email from the trainer candidate, I would have read on eagerly with an opening like this: 

Subject: Instructor for Your East Coast Classes

Dear Lynn,

With a Google ranking near the top of the page for "business writing classes," you must be contacted by potential clients far from your Seattle base. As an executive with significant experience in written and oral communication, I am interested in working with you to deliver business writing classes for you on the East Coast.

Can you see what works in that opening? "Your East Coast Classes" focuses on me and my potential. The mention of my Google ranking is accurate and flattering. A brief mention of his qualifications inspires me to keep reading, and the phrases "working with you" and "classes for you" return the focus to me, the reader.

I always feel disappointed when someone with potential writes weakly about himself or herself. If this blog post helps even one person write a message more persuasively, I will be happy. 

If you have ideas for job seekers about writng persuasively, please share them.

Lynn
Syntax Training  

What's Wrong With This Excerpt?

Wanting to improve my skills in Spanish, I picked up a book about Spanish verbs to study. In the introduction, the writer makes two stylistic mistakes that business writers must avoid if they want to engage their readers. Can you recognize the problems in the excerpt below?

Beginning on page vii, I show you how to form a present participle in Spanish, and I give you examples. I also give you the common irregular present participles and the many uses of the present participle.

Beginning on page ix, I show you how to form a past participle regularly in Spanish, and I give you examples. I also give you the common irregular past participles and the many uses of the past participle.

The first error is that the author puts too much emphasis on himself. The two paragraphs contain as many Is as yous. But readers of self-study books don't care about the authors. They care about what the books offer them.

Here is a revision without the use of I:

Beginning on page vii, you learn how to form a present participle in Spanish, with examples that include the common irregular forms. You learn the many uses of the present participle.

Beginning on page ix, you find out how to form a past participle in Spanish, with examples of both regular and irregular past participles. You learn when to use the past participle in Spanish.

With the I problem fixed, the relevance question comes up. Does the information about present and past participles belong in the introduction? Is it relevant to readers? Or is the author just meeting a requirement to include an introduction with a certain number of words?

I say cut this information from the introduction. After all, in a book on Spanish verbs, it is obvious that readers will learn how to form present and past participles by reviewing examples--and will learn when to use particular verb forms. Giving this information in the introduction feels like a plodding effort to increase the word count.

But readers of self-study books never want more words. They want ease and efficiency. A more exciting introduction would tell them what they will be able to do easily and efficiently once they have mastered their verbs.

Whenever you find yourself struggling over how to state the obvious in a section of a book or report, stop. Instead ask yourself whether the obvious even belongs there. Perhaps the same information can be covered in a heading in the table of contents, for example, "Present Participles: How to Form Them, Where to Use Them" or for non-grammarians "How to Say Swimming, Playing, and Similar Words in Spanish" or "How to Tell a Lively Story in Spanish."  

I am tempted to assert that people don't even read the introductions to many self-study and reference books. But then why was I reading the introduction to my verb book? I will admit it: I was avoiding the hard work of memorizing those present participles, past participles, and other verb forms.

Lynn
Syntax Training

 

Lesson from Slow-Talking Guatemalans

Having returned from a 15-day vacation in Guatemala, I have been thinking about what I experienced that relates to this blog and business writing. Here is what I realized:

Throughout the trip, I prided myself on speaking Spanish, with no lapses into English just because the hotel clerk or driver spoke some English. It was a treat to understand so much of the Spanish I heard.

But it wasn't only my ability in Spanish that helped me understand. It was that virtually all the Guatemalans spoke Spanish slowly to me. I did not realize this was happening until they would break off their conversation with me to conduct a rapid-fire exchange with another Guatemalan. When they finished that exchange, they would slip back into their slow pace to talk with me.

We business communicators can learn a lesson from the slow-talking Guatemalans, who give their audience what the audience needs. If the other person needs a slow pace, they slip into it patiently and with a smile.

Sometimes we business writers think our readers should be able to recognize dozens of acronyms, find action items scattered in a three-screen email, or unearth and apply instructions buried in our long, complicated threads. But that way of thinking is doomed to fail. It is akin to Guatemalans pouring out streams of flowing Spanish in the face of stuttering, befuddled visitors. Yes, perhaps those tourists should understand and speak Spanish better, but the Guatemalans know they don't. So the Spanish speakers slow down, and the conversations succeed.

Can you apply the lesson of the Guatemalans In your business communication? Is there anything you could be doing differently to meet the needs of your audience?

Lynn
Syntax Training