Business Writing

Talk, tips, and best picks for writers on the job.

Syntax Training | Lynn Gaertner-Johnston

Share this page

« Preserve Your Relationships, Even in Sticky Situations | Main | How to Be Assertive, Not Pushy »

February 15, 2017

Comments

Cassie

Loved this exercise! Thank you for posting.

Tamara D. Davis

I liked this exercise! I didn't get my word count down as much as you did but had I spent more time with it, I think I would've done much better.

EnriqueG

Great post (as always), thank you Lynn! I noticed you removed the period at the end of each bulleted sentence in your revised version. Is that a rule?

Stacy Benefield

I got mine down to 55 words!

We’re updating our policies effective March 29, 2017. Highlights include:
• Changes to items eligible for purchase or seller protection
• Removing 180-day past due requirement on set-off rights
• Revised list of restricted activities
• Details on new cloud-based service providers
• More control and choices for paying
• New fee structure
See our Policy Updates Page for full details.

Lynn Gaertner-Johnston

Hello Cassie, Tamara, Enrique, and Stacy,

I'm glad you liked this exercise. I see many bulleted lists with similar problems--I hope you will spread the word to help people recognize how much better their bullet points can be.

Enrique, I removed the periods because my revised bullets are not sentences, and they don't complete the stem sentence structurally. See this post for more detail: http://www.businesswritingblog.com/business_writing/2012/01/punctuating-bullet-points-.html

Stacy, you win! I love how you began each bullet differently and made it so concise. "Highlights include" is brilliant.

Everyone: I didn't notice in the original bad list of bullets how awkward the introductory words were for the bullets. So let me point out now that "Updates include--we're updating" is clumsy wording.

Thanks for trying the exercise and sharing your results!

Lynn

Stephanie M.

Thanks for the opportunity to keep practicing and keeping my skills sharp! I spent about 10 minutes as well, and with your help, learned how I could have further reduced words.

Lynn Gaertner-Johnston

Stephanie, I'm glad you found the exercise helpful!

Lynn

Verify your Comment

Previewing your Comment

This is only a preview. Your comment has not yet been posted.

Working...
Your comment could not be posted. Error type:
Your comment has been posted. Post another comment

The letters and numbers you entered did not match the image. Please try again.

As a final step before posting your comment, enter the letters and numbers you see in the image below. This prevents automated programs from posting comments.

Having trouble reading this image? View an alternate.

Working...

Post a comment

Your Information

(Name and email address are required. Email address will not be displayed with the comment.)

Share this page
Google
Lynn Gaertner-Johnston
Syntax Training Website About Contact Business Writing with Heart - How to Build Great Work Relationships One Message at a Time Free Business Communications Curriculum for College Instructors
> English Experts
Error Quests
Take your writing from acceptable to excellent.
© 2005-present - Syntax Training - All Rights Reserved