Business Writing

Smiling at My Inbox

This week I received an email from someone who wanted to write for this blog. In the five-sentence message, I noted these little blunders:

• No words were capitalized, not even my name.
• The phrase "clients website" had no apostrophe.
• The first sentence, "hope you are well," ended with a hyphen, not a period.
• The second sentence, a statement about wondering, ended with a question mark.
• The third sentence, like the first, ended in a hyphen.
• The last sentence, "let me know what you think," ended in a smiley face.

Yes, I was smiling--and sighing.

Lynn
Syntax Training

Personalizing a Mass Mailing--Yes You Can!

In my business writing classes, attendees often state that it is virtually impossible to personalize their mass mailings--both in print and in email. But I send my e-newsletter, Better Writing at Work, to more than 10,000 subscribers each month, and I greet each reader by name--if the reader has included his or her name when subscribing.

Today I received a perfectly personalized letter from CEO Fathi Said of IX Web Hosting, where we host our company website. In the message, he greeted me by name, then began with this sentence: "You have been a customer for over 6 years, and we wanted to say 'Thank you.'"

Later in the message Mr. Said mentioned that we began using IX Web Hosting services on May 24, 2004. He noted that August 24, 2010, would be our renewal date but that unfortunately the plan we are on has been discontinued. He told me that we would be switched automatically to the plan that is the closest equivalent to our current plan, and he included the cost of the new plan. 

I liked his email. It was written to me, not to "Valued Customer." Rather than providing general information such as "some customer plans will be changed," it provided specific information about our plan and how and when it would change.

If I had received a generic message from IX Web Hosting, I would probably not have read it. And then I might have been irritated when I realized our plan and pricing had changed.

Don't fall into the trap of thinking that you cannot personalize your customer communications. Your customers may switch to a vendor who knows how to do it. 

Lynn
Syntax Training

Job Seekers: Start Out Strong and Persuasively

I received an email from a man who was interested in working with me as a business writing teacher. I could not consider him as a colleague because his message and his attachment started out wrong.

The email started this way:

Subject: Trainer Candidate

Dear Lynn,

I am a 60-year-old business executive who is just finishing up my latest assignment and interested in trying something new.

What part of the opening sentence gets your attention? For me, "60-year-old" grabbed all my attention, yet a person's age is rarely persuasive, especially when it leans toward retirement.

The sentence also focuses on his interest in trying something new--not on my interest in having qualified instructors in other parts of the country. It also emphasizes trying something new--not something he has done before--which does not win over a potential employer.

In an attachment in which the writer wanted to document his experience as a teacher-trainer, he began this way:

Never having been in a teaching position, I have, nevertheless, had significant academic, group presentation, and training experience.

He led with the weakest word possible: never. The opening phrase stomped out my interest in reading further. If he had begun strongly with "I have signficant training, group presentation, and academic experience," I would have kept reading with interest and building excitement.

If you are a job seeker or someone whose job requires persuasive communication (that includes just about all of us), remember that it is your responsibility to get and keep your reader's interest. That means focusing on the reader rather than yourself--even when the message is about you.

In the email from the trainer candidate, I would have read on eagerly with an opening like this: 

Subject: Instructor for Your East Coast Classes

Dear Lynn,

With a Google ranking near the top of the page for "business writing classes," you must be contacted by potential clients far from your Seattle base. As an executive with significant experience in written and oral communication, I am interested in working with you to deliver business writing classes for you on the East Coast.

Can you see what works in that opening? "Your East Coast Classes" focuses on me and my potential. The mention of my Google ranking is accurate and flattering. A brief mention of his qualifications inspires me to keep reading, and the phrases "working with you" and "classes for you" return the focus to me, the reader.

I always feel disappointed when someone with potential writes weakly about himself or herself. If this blog post helps even one person write a message more persuasively, I will be happy. 

If you have ideas for job seekers about writng persuasively, please share them.

Lynn
Syntax Training  

Ending Sentences for Email

Email beginnings and endings are the biggest challenges for people. So I wrote about them in the latest issue of Better Writing at Work. This post is excerpted from that issue.

The last sentence of an email is like the last words of a phone call. They may be a quick signoff or a courteous close, depending on the formality of the communication.

Examples: 

• See you in Montreal!
• Have a great trip!
• I will email you in August to schedule lunch.
• Please call me with any questions.
• Thanks again for all your help with the artwork.
• Thank you for your business. We appreciate the opportunity to serve you.

Avoid continuously using "Have a great day!" or a similar expression as your closing sentence. It becomes meaningless with constant use, and it is a bad fit with email messages that communicate policies or announcements.

 

It is not wise to save any request for action or approval until the end. Email readers do not read to the end of a message when they believe they have gotten the main point already. 

 

For more about email, including subject lines, greetings, and closes (Best wishes, Cheers, etc.), subscribe to Better Writing at Work.

 

I will be traveling for a couple of weeks, so please consider this my ending sentence until early July.

 

Ciao!

 

Lynn

Syntax Training

 

P.S. When I proofread this post, I realized what a different tone I use in the e-newsletter and this blog. That should be the topic of a future post here!

The Innocent Dropping of Ccs in Email

The other day in a class about writing more efficient email, we were talking about Ccs (courtesy copies) and the use of Reply to All. One attendee bemoaned the fact that people purposely dropped her boss off the Cc list. She wanted her boss there to keep him informed. So why did people not Reply to All and keep him in the loop? Were they trying to get away with something?

Nope. They were trying to help everyone be more efficient by reducing the use of Reply to All. Or they were just replying to her because she wrote to them--he didn't.

Not Replying to All can be a conscious good choice, or it can be an unconscious automatic choice. It doesn't have to be a sneaky or calculated one.

Here's the solution if you want your boss to read the replies you receive: forward them to him or her. If it is important that your boss read them, it is probably worth that small effort.

Lynn
Syntax Training

Outlook Preview Pane: It's Prime Space for Business Writers

Many business readers use the Outlook preview pane to decide whether to read an email, and when. If you are writing to promote a product, service, or event, you must use your first lines effectively, or your readers will never open your message.

Here is an example of a marketing message I received that does not use its first lines well:

Subject: Lets [stet] focus on business documentation

Content in preview pane:
Dear Lynn,

You are welcome to read our latest issue of XXX News devoted to business documentation. Feel free to contact me if you have any questions.

I do not know the sender, so I am not going to read the message based on a relationship. And I am not familiar with XXX News; I don't even know what XXX stands for. I don't know why I should be interested in the newsletter. She has told me that it is attached but not why I should care.

How will most readers respond if they don't know the sender, the subject, or a reason for reading? DELETE!

Here is another example in my inbox:

Subject: How to Raise Your Visibility and Cre [that's what I could see in my preview pane]

Content in preview pane:

Dear Subscribers, [But I am not Subscribers--I am Subscriber!]

Thank you for continuing to welcome me to your Internet doorstep for ongoing book writing, publishing, and marketing advice. 

So far the message has nothing of interest to me, beyond "How to Raise Your Visibility," which is good but not specific enough. In the prime opening lines, the writer should be tantalizing me with something that meets my needs or piques my interest, something that will make me read on. The dull thank-you wastes prime business writing space. 

If you are sending an important marketing message through email, send it to yourself first. See if those opening lines offer something of value or interest to your readers--something that will make them read on.

What makes you open and read a marketing email?

Lynn
Syntax Training

A Reply vs. Reply to All Scenario--You Decide

I received an email from a reader that began like this: "Recently I was berated by a person for not continuing his Reply to All format."

We should not be berating one another. We all have the goal of being efficient with email. So in the interest of efficiency and getting along with our colleagues, I am offering a typical Reply vs. Reply to All scenario. Please read it and decide which fictional character you agree with. Perhaps we can learn from one another.

Scenario: Six people are on a team to plan and staff their company's trade show booth. They have had two meetings so far, after which they have emailed and Replied to All, with everyone getting lots of emails with long threads about the booth plans.

Two team members, Paula and Brian, are responsible for booth signs. Paula did research on sign pricing, and she emailed her research to Brian without copying the team. Brian replied to Paula to ask a question, and he copied the other team members. Paula replied to Brian--not to all.

Brian is annoyed with Paula. He says they should be copying everyone on the team on everything they do so that people are in the loop.

Paula thinks they are drowning in email. She says they should only copy the entire team when everyone needs the information.

With whom do you agree? Why?

Lynn
Syntax Training

I Am Not a Machine and Neither Are You

No, we aren't machines, and neither are the people who write to us. So how do we explain a message like the one I just received (below)?

In fact, I received two identical messages. They came from a wireless Internet service I subscribed to temporarily. They began with this unusual subject line:

Subject: TEST Ad Hoc Template, Lynn

And here is the first two-thirds of the message, exactly as I received it, with two small changes. I changed the name of the company to XXXXX and my account number and user name to ZZZZZ.

Dear Lynn,

It’s official!

Email: lynng@syntaxtraining.com

Access Pass Number:

Account Closed Date:

Account Creation Date: 03/11/2010

Account Number: ZZZZZ

Account Status: ACTIVE

CC Decline Balance:

CC Decline Charge Date:

CC Decline Charge Date Description:

Connects During Billing Cycle: 0

CC Expiration Date: 05/01/2011

Currency: USD

EOC Day of Month: 11

First Name: Lynn

Language: EN

Laptop Client Version:

Laptop OS Version:

Last Name: Gaertner-Johnston

Lifetime Connects: 0

Monthly Subscription Charge: 0.00

Plan Type: Hourly

Premium Connects During Billing Cycle:

Receipt Charge Amount:

Receipt Payment Date:

Receipt POID:

Receipt Product Use Date:

Registered XXXXXX: Yes

Sales Channel Code: BW1205

SPOP:

Username: ZZZZZ

The rest of the message went on to tell me about a change in my service and about pricing. It ended with a thank you for my business and was signed by the director of customer care.

We are not machines. So how do we send and receive such messages?

Lynn
Syntax Training

A Disconnect in Email Subjects

A couple of weeks ago I took part in a fundraiser for Haitian relief efforts. The day after the successful event, I got a congratulatory email from the person who led our efforts. It came to all of us on the planning committee.

The subject was "I Am Bringing Signs." The first sentence was "What a rewarding event and experience last night to benefit the people of Haiti."

Do you recognize what went wrong?

I had sent a message to committee members on Saturday afternoon, reminding them that I was bringing welcome signs that evening. On Sunday, rather than starting a new thread, our committee leader replied to my message to communicate with everyone.

So an email whose subject should have been the uplifting "What a Rewarding Event" was introduced with the nonsensical "I Am Bringing Signs."

You know why he replied rather than starting a new thread: It was simpler than pasting our email addresses into a new message. But here are the easy steps our leader might have taken:

1. Click Reply All.
2. Change the subject.
3. Delete the earlier thread.
4. Type his new message.

In my reply on Sunday, I quietly changed the subject to "What a Rewarding Event." I did not want my banal "I Am Bringing Signs" to detract from the euphoria we felt about the money raised for Haiti.

Committee members are now emailing back and forth on new topics, all with the subject "What a Rewarding Event." At least it has a positive tone, even if it doesn't fit the new messages.

Do you see disconnects in email subjects?

Lynn
Syntax Training

Casual Email Loses Customer for Caterer

Last week I learned about a caterer who had two sweet opportunities dropped in his lap through a referral. One was a wedding meal for 60; the other was the rehearsal dinner for 25.

He lost both opportunities because of poor email.

The bride to be is a friend of ours whom I'll call Annie. Annie contacted Mr. Caterer by email. In his reply to her first email, Mr. Caterer began by saying that he had had a busy weekend and was sorry for the delay in responding. He did not respond to most of her questions, and he made no congratulatory reference to her wedding. He said he would "hopefully put together something this evening and send you some information."

Mr. Caterer's next contact was an email about 24 hours later. He began by saying he had given Annie some incorrect information in his first email. Nevertheless, Annie liked the menu he proposed and replied that she wanted to hire him for the rehearsal dinner. She said she would call him the next day, and she invited him to call her if he wanted to talk sooner.

Apparently, they didn't connect by phone. Annie emailed Mr. Caterer asking a few questions, and he replied five days later. Once again he said, "Sorry for the delay." He went into unnecessary detail about how he paid his staff. Annie didn't need that information. Unfortunately, she didn't get the information she did need to feel confident about Mr. Caterer.

In the end, Annie decided Mr. Caterer was not a good fit for her wedding. His email presented him as late, casual, not focused on details, and not listening to his customer.

I am sorry Mr. Caterer couldn't communicate better in email. The chick pea salad, Spanish cheeses, Spanish olives, tortilla español, and sangria sounded wonderful.

Do you think Mr. Caterer's behavior is typical? Please share your experience.

Lynn
Syntax Training