Business Writing

Noisy vs. Energetic: The Language of Reviews

I received a survey request for my feedback on a restaurant, and I noticed the categories I could pick from regarding the noise level:

Quiet . . . Moderate . . .  Energetic

Did you notice the absence of the word noisy?

I spotted it right away because I had found the restaurant noisy. But I appreciated that the survey language helped me recognize that my noisy could be another person's energetic or lively. In fact, the word made me realize that the restaurant was very lively and, well, energetic--not really noisy at all.

If you write performance appraisals, let the difference between noisy and energetic remind you to think carefully about the way you describe employees. You may at first want to describe someone as nitpicky, but a positive version is meticulous or very careful. Can you see the positive side too?

Before you characterize him as stubborn, are you certain you don't mean persistent or tenacious? And is she narrow-minded or highly focused? Is he a loner or an independent thinker? Are her plans wildly optimistic or exciting--or both?  

The language of performance reviews can inspire or dishearten an employee, so try to see both sides of a trait and praise the positive side too. When you do, employees can recognize their strengths and opportunities. Maybe he is too chatty for the accounting department but would be perfectly sociable in client relations. Your language can help an employee make that kind of connection.

If you get stuck trying to think of alternative words, try your online thesaurus or synonym feature. But double-check the meaning of any word you don't normally use. My thesaurus gave erratic, indecisive, and inconsistent as suggestions for nitpicky--not at all what I intended.

Lynn
Syntax Training

The Smarmy "Valued Customer" Line

This week I taught two groups of sophisticated writers who communicate with clients. One of the business writing topics we agreed to disagree about was the language we use to show customers we care.

I like statements like "You have been a valued customer for many years" and "Thank you for being a valued customer." But some of the class participants found those smarmy--that is, excessively flattering--and insincere.

The words "valued customer" do come across as empty when we use them in place of the customer's name. And they sound phony when we use them in what is clearly a mass mailing that goes to every customer, valued or not.

I myself dislike the words "valued customer" when they appear in an email from a company I have done business with for a short time, such as one hour or one day.

Then how do we show clients and customers we care in our writing?

I like to use lots of positive language: appreciate, thank you, happy to, I can, delighted, pleased, look forward to, terrific, and other words that communicate a smile. Are those terms smarmy in business messages? I don't think so.

But we are not all the same. Some of us thrive on personalized greetings and closings, positive language, and even smiley faces. Others want business writers to get to the point and cut the cute stuff. (Read my article "Adapting to Your Readers' Style Differences" for more on style preferences.)

In the writing class, however we felt about "valued customer" language, we agreed on the value of focusing on positives rather than negatives, responding promptly, saying yes to customer requests, doing our best when we have to say no, and keeping the customer informed.  

Valued reader, do you have phrases you like to use to show clients and customers you care?

Lynn
Syntax Training 

Insurance Companies as Our Families

Lately I have been thinking about messages from insurance companies, who often encourage us to think of them as our families. My thoughts go in this direction because I wrote a training proposal for an insurance company in Minnesota this week, and I am looking forward to teaching "Writing Tune-Up for Claims Professionals" in Dallas, Texas, next month.

So I was intrigued when I received an example from a client, who got it from his insurance company. The emailed letter begins like this:

Dear _____,

You're more than just another policyholder at ______ [name of company]. You're a member, and we treat our members like family. That's why we are reminding you that your property policy doesn't provide coverage for flood damage.

Yes, family communications are often blunt and focused on a negative, like the last sentence in that paragraph.

The letter goes on helpfully to suggest several excellent ways to prepare for heavy rains. The fourth way, which appears in a paragraph after three bullet points, is to purchase a flood policy. The letter provides brief details about how to purchase a policy, when, and at what estimated cost.

But the opening jarred me. I think insurance companies can maintain their focus on customers as family members and communicate the flood damage message in a positive, helpful way. Here is my revised opening that uses the same theme as the original:

Dear ______,

You are an important member of our insurance family. That is why we want to be sure you are prepared for whatever the weather brings.

King County authorities warn that heavy and prolonged rain could cause flooding, even in communities that typically don't flood, like Auburn, Kent, Renton, South Seattle, and Tukwila.

Here are steps you can take to prepare:

• Purchase a flood policy. Your current property policy does not provide coverage for flood damage.
• Prepare your home now and make emergency plans.
• Make a plan for evacuating any pets and livestock.
• Purchase an AM radio to be able to monitor evacuation plan alerts.

From the original message, I have edited the King County sentence and the steps you can take to prepare. I have put the focus on the flood policy, making it the first bullet point. It is essential that policyholders understand that their policies do not cover flood damage. 

What's your view? Did the original opening jar you? Or do you prefer blunt communication from your business family members?

Lynn
Syntax Training

When Is Confidence Presumptuous?

In a business communications class last night, we discussed a closing sentence in a cover letter--that is, a letter of application for a job. Here is the sentence:

I look forward to being interviewed for the position.

We argued about whether that sentence is positive and confident or pushy and presumptuous.

What do you think? If you read that sentence at the end of a letter of application from someone who appeared to have all the qualifications you seek, how would you react? Would you be impressed by the applicant's confidence or turned off by the applicant's presumptuousness?

Please share your view. Granted, you have not read the rest of the letter. But how does that sentence feel to you?

Lynn
Syntax Training

An Easy Win for Relationships

Yesterday someone in my professional network, whom I may see once a year, ordered 20 booklets from me. In my emailed thank-you for her order, I said I hoped she and her young daughter were having a beautiful summer. I used her daughter's name.

She wrote back, "Thanks! I am so impressed you remembered my daughter's name :-)."

Confession: I did not remember her daughter's name. I had recorded it, along with her date of birth, in the notes in my Outlook contacts.

Having recorded it rather than remembering it doesn't make the gesture any less meaningful. After all, I want to remember her daughter. I want to have warm relationships with customers and others in my professional network.

It's an easy win--keeping track of the personal milestones in people's lives and mentioning them in the natural flow of business communication. It just takes the discipline of recording those events when they happen.

Lynn
Syntax Training

We Don't Have Talent

As a fan of positive language, I am intrigued by a positive word that has not caught on with ordinary business people. That word is talent, used to describe employees.

Talent management, talent acquisition, and talent retention are phrases popping up constantly in my email inbox. Consultants, recruiters, training companies, professional organizations--they are all using the word talent. At the ASTD International Conference and Expo in San Diego, which I attended last week, the word appeared everywhere on banners, booths, and brochures.

Here's the problem: "Normal" people (the people those consultants, recruiters, and others want to communicate with)--do not use the word talent. They talk about their employees, supervisors, managers, executives, associates, partners, interns, and staff--not their talent. They mention their sales people, engineers, programmers, nurses, customer service representatives, scientists, and other specific employee groups--not their talent.

Our web designer visited the ASTD Expo and stopped by our booth. She asked, "So what's with all the talent at this convention?" She didn't understand it.

One of our longtime clients visited our booth, and I asked him whether he used the word talent. He said no, explaining "If anyone used that word in our company, they would sound like an outsider, not like one of us."

So for those of us who are tempted to get on the talent bus, let's ask ourselves first: Do we want to sound like outsiders? Do we want people to wonder what we are talking about? Of course not. So let's find out which words our customers and readers use, and follow their lead.

Lynn
Syntax Training 

More Than a Person--a Guest

Always on the lookout for positive language, I was rewarded this week at one of the Starbucks stores in the San Diego Convention Center.

Waiting in line, I heard one of the counter staff (known as "partners") ask, "May I help the next guest?"

Not the next person, not the next in line--the next guest. I felt welcome.

Lynn
Syntax Training

Request Denied: When Military Meets Business

Security officers, crew supervisors, maintenance experts--people in these jobs often attend the business writing seminars I lead. They don't enroll in any greater numbers than people in other vocations, but they often stand out for the terse way they communicate. They make comments such as:

--Permission denied.
--Negative.
--Cut the fluff. I want the facts. 
--They don't have to like it. They just have to do it.

When I suggest a more positive, softer approach, at times they announce, "I'm ex-military. This is the way we communicate."  If another ex-military individual is in the room, that person nods agreement.

This is the way we communicate. That's a reasonable attitude if "we" really means "we" and is limited to "us"--namely, if everyone in the department is ex-military and the communication is internal. If, for example, the entire group of security officers is ex-military, then "Request denied" is probably a clear, concise message among members of the group. But when people join the department who are not familiar with the military style, "Request denied" comes across as brusque and arrogant.   

When military meets business, language has to soften and be supportive. It has to shift from "Permission denied" to "I would like to say yes. Let me explain why I cannot"--followed by an explanation.

It has to change from "Cut the fluff. I want the facts" to "Please focus on the facts."

It has to mellow from the tight response of "Negative" to the flexible, "No, not at this time," and from the authoritarian "I don't care if you like it" to the democractic "What would make this decision more workable for you?"

If you work with ex-military employees, help them recognize when their writing comes across as abrupt to people outside the military experience. After all, you don't want them to win a quick communication battle but lose the the hearts and minds of their coworkers and employees. As with all communication, understanding their audience is the key.

Lynn
Syntax Training

I Don't Hear from You

In sales letters and email (and even in telephone messages), many people end like this:

"If I don't hear from you before then, I will call you on Friday."

There has always been something about that statement that has not felt right to me.  It's not a threat, no. And it is positive: "I will call you." But it just doesn't work for me. The other day I realized why not.

I was staring at the words on the screen when I saw the problem:

" . . . I don't hear from you . . ."

It's that negative peeking out of the sentence that must have made me nervous. That's why I like these alternatives:

"I look forward to talking with you. I will phone on Friday."

"I will call you on Friday unless we have talked before then."

"Phone me if you get a moment, or I will follow up on Friday." 

"If you have a chance to call me before Friday, great! Otherwise, I will call you then."

What do you think? Are you satisfied with "If I don't hear from you?" or do you use another approach? Please share your views.

And if you would like more ways to be persuasive in writing, please read my latest newsletter. Its theme is "Be More Persuasive." (Note: If you subscribe, you will not hear from me unless you want to. It is simply a monthly newsletter, no strings attached.)

Lynn

Things That Make Us Feel Good

Last week I taught a Better Business Writing class at one of my favorite places, Sea-Tac International Airport. I love teaching in the Airport Office Building in the bright new terminal. Being there warms me with thoughts of departing on and arriving from much needed vacations and welcome visits to family.

Because I like to travel (and come home) and I love "my" airport, I can't help but smile when I cross from the parking lot into the bustle of the terminal. The place makes me feel good.

It's about positive associations.

The same is true of words. With some words, we have positive associations. Phrases such as "Thank you," "Great idea!" "You're brilliant!" and "Happy holiday!" make us feel good when they are sincerely communicated.

And words like value, benefit, gift, opportunity, and appreciate create a positive feeling when we read them.

As writers, if we want our readers to have positive experiences when they read our documents, we have to do more than just leave out the negative words. It's not enough to simply strike complain, you forgot, you failed, cannot, won't, and "company policy." Deleting negatives can't create a positive feeling. Positive feelings come from words with positive associations.

Here's a challenge: Read the most recent email, letter, report, or memo you have written. How many positive words does it contain? Does your language have positive associations? When your readers review it, will they feel good? When you read it, do you smile too?

If you are thinking that positive words can be meaningless if they are not sincere, you are right. Another positive is honesty. A lie or an attack wrapped in phony thanks and benefits is still a negative message.

When I glide up the escalator into my shiny airport, when I glimpse the suitcases rolling by en route to who knows where, I smile. I'm going to bring some of that good feeling into my writing. How about you?

Lynn