We can all get a good reminder from an email sales message I received from someone selling software for the classroom. Her second sentence was this:
I would appreciate the opportunity to present this information to you through a web demonstration which will occupy 30 minutes of your time.
This sentence is all wrong. It doesn’t focus on what’s in it for me, the reader. She gets the opportunity to present. What do I get? From that sentence–and the rest of the message–it appears that my payoff is having my time occupied for 30 minutes.
A revision might read one of these three ways:
In just 30 minutes, you will learn how to . . . .
In a quick web demo focused on your business, get 7 tips on how to transform your classroom.
In just 30 minutes you will find out how to save hours in . . . .
Remember: Focus on your reader, not on yourself.