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Syntax Training | Lynn Gaertner-Johnston

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« How to Get Readers to Read It | Main | Making People Feel Welcome »

April 03, 2011

Comments

Jasonsherrill

I've read the email twice. Tell me again, what's in it for me?

This email absolutely does not sell well at all. The author does not offer any hint at what benefit her product or service can provide to you.

Maybe her intent isn't to sell the products to you? Perhaps she's just seeking your professional advice, but in which areas? She asks for your questions, ideas or suggestions, but fails to provide you with any guidance on what type of feedback she wants. Is she looking for grammatical corrections? Or maybe she wants your advice on whether the content is appropriate for a certain audience?

There is definitely ample room for improvement.


Jason

Arseny

It's too much about "us", I think. And "what's in it for me?" - no clear benefits for me and no call to action.

Pepe Fenjul Jr.

I think, Selling out an event is not about sending out email; it's about planning a solid, integrated campaign. Nice post to share.

Lynn Gaertner-Johnston

Thank you for commenting, Jason, Arseny, and Pepe.

Jason, it's interesting that you wonder whether she wanted my advice. Your comment makes clear how unfocused the message is.

Arseny, you are right. It is all about her company. I believe she uses nine first person pronouns ("I," "we," and "our") and only three "you" and "your."

Pepe, thanks for the reminder about a well-planned campaign.

Lynn

Val Span

The phrase "We have spent countless hours..." turned me off. It almost sounds like whining. And the message is boring - the most exciting word is "delighted."

Instead she could have said something about the depth of experience and attention to detail that have gone into creating a cutting edge product that will energize my team and make our company fabulously profitable. Or words to that effect.

Lynn Gaertner-Johnston

Hi, Val. You are right: a sales message is in trouble when its most exciting word is "delightful."

Thanks for sharing.

Lynn

Katherine

I think the message needs to be more direct at the beginning. While I might want to know who this person is, I also don't want to read about her and her company before I know why I might be interested. The first or second sentence should clearly state what the product is. Later, more detail could explain who the company is and how long they've worked on developing these things.

Lynn Gaertner-Johnston

Hi, Katherine. I agree with your comments.

Lynn

sell mobiles

Well its an awesome write up...sales message really needs to be very much persuasive in order to gain success.

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