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Test Your Skills at Editing Bullet Points

Try your hand at improving the list of bullet points below. Here are the details:

Last night I bought a terrific emergency kit at the REI store. It’s a huge yellow backpack filled with the essentials for surviving an emergency. (My photo shows some of the items.) After I brought the kit home, I read about it online and found the bullet points below.

If you were revising the bulleted list, how might you make the bullet points more consistent and clear? How would you focus on the backpack contents rather than on repetitive, unimportant words? Would you pull anything out of the list?

Details [That was the heading for the points below.]

  • Provides relief in an emergency situation with survival goods, tools, safety supplies and personal hygiene items; pack-style bag offers portability
  • Contains enough supplies for 1 – 2 people for up to 3 days
  • Kit includes emergency items: 2 food packages, 20 water packets, tube tent, 2 waterproof ponchos, 2 rescue blankets, 4 hand warmers and 2 dust masks
  • Also includes hand-crank flashlight/radio, multifunction tool, work gloves, 2.5 gal. collapsible water jug, whistle, 4 light sticks and 2 emergency candles
  • Also includes pencil, paper, 50 ft. nylon rope, waterproof tape, 2 cold packs, latex-free medical gloves (2 pairs) and 6 antimicrobial hand wipes
  • Also includes bandage scissors, tweezers/forceps, 2 finger splints, digital thermometer, first aid manual, 2 facial tissue packages and 2 biohazard waste bags
  • Treat wounds with five 3 x 0.75 in. bandages, five 3 x 1 in. bandages, 5 knuckle bandages, 5 fingertip bandages and four 2 x 2 in. gauze pads
  • Also includes two 3 x 3 in. gauze pads, two 4 x 4 in. gauze pads, 4 yd. x 2 in. stretch gauze, two 9 x 5 in. ABD/combine pads, eye pad and 5 butterfly closures
  • Treatments include 3 sting relief wipes, 9 antibacterial wipes, 2 triple antibiotic ointment packets, 2 burn cream packets and 2 eye wash bottles
  • Medications include 4 Cetafen® acetaminophen tablets, 4 Nutralox® antacid tablets and 4 Proprinal® ibuprofen tablets
  • Also includes 2 Diamode® loperamide HCI antidiarrheal tablets
  • Easy-to-read first-aid guide is written by Dr. William W. Forgey
  • All pieces fit neatly into the 3-compartment nylon backpack with adjustable shoulder straps—stows neatly in a closet or trunk of a car
  • Please note the REI Emergency Kit does not include matches

Give it a try! I will share my revision after you get a chance to post yours.

 

 

 

Below is my revision. See whether you can recognize the changes.

Details

The backpack provides relief supplies for 1-2 people for up to 3 days in an emergency. It contains survival goods, tools, safety supplies, and personal hygiene items. Contents include:

  • 2 food packages, 20 water packets, and a 2.5-gallon collapsible water jug
  • Tube tent, 2 waterproof ponchos, 2 rescue blankets, 4 hand warmers, and 2 dust masks
  • Hand-crank flashlight/radio
  • Multifunction tool
  • Work gloves
  • Whistle, 4 light sticks, and 2 emergency candles–NO MATCHES
  • Pencil and paper
  • 50 ft. nylon rope
  • Waterproof tape
  • 2 cold packs, 2 pairs of latex-free medical gloves, and 6 antimicrobial hand wipes
  • Bandage scissors, tweezers/forceps, 2 finger splints, digital thermometer, first aid manual, 2 facial tissue packages, and 2 biohazard waste bags
  • Bandages: five 3 x 0.75 in. bandages, five 3 x 1 in. bandages, 5 knuckle bandages, 5 fingertip bandages, four 2 x 2 in. gauze pads, two 3 x 3 in. gauze pads, two 4 x 4 in. gauze pads, 4 yd. x 2 in. stretch gauze, two 9 x 5 in. ABD/combine pads, eye pad, and 5 butterfly closures
  • Treatments: 3 sting relief wipes, 9 antibacterial wipes, 2 triple antibiotic ointment packets, 2 burn cream packets, and 2 eye wash bottles
  • Medications: 4 Cetafen® acetaminophen tablets, 4 Nutralox® antacid tablets, and 4 Proprinal® ibuprofen tablets, 2 Diamode® loperamide HCI antidiarrheal tablets

If you would like to continue challenging yourself in writing and editing tasks, take my online course Business Writing Tune-Up. It includes getting written feedback from me on a piece of your writing.

Lynn

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By Lynn Gaertner-Johnston

Lynn Gaertner-Johnston has helped thousands of employees and managers improve their business writing skills and confidence through her company, Syntax Training. In her corporate training career of more than 20 years, she has worked with executives, engineers, scientists, sales staff, and many other professionals, helping them get their messages across with clarity and tact.

A gifted teacher, Lynn has led writing classes at more than 100 companies and organizations such as MasterCard, Microsoft, Boeing, Nintendo, REI, AARP, Ledcor, and Kaiser Permanente. Near her home in Seattle, Washington, she has taught managerial communications in the MBA programs of the University of Washington and UW Bothell. She has created a communications course, Business Writing That Builds Relationships, and provides the curriculum at no cost to college instructors.

A recognized expert in business writing etiquette, Lynn has been quoted in "The Wall Street Journal," "The Atlantic," "Vanity Fair," and other media.

Lynn sharpened her business writing skills at the University of Notre Dame, where she earned a master's degree in communication, and at Bradley University, with a bachelor's degree in English.

2 comments on “Test Your Skills at Editing Bullet Points”

  • • Provides relief in an emergency situation with survival goods, tools, safety supplies and personal hygiene items; pack-style bag offers portability – NOT NECESSARY to MENTION

    • Contains enough supplies for 1 – 2 people for up to 3 days
    • 2 food packages,
    •20 water packets,
    •tube tent
    •2 waterproof ponchos
    • 2 rescue blankets
    • 4 hand warmer
    • 2 dust masks
    • hand-crank flashlight/radio,
    • multifunction tool,
    • work gloves,
    •2.5 gal. collapsible water jug,
    •whistle,
    •4 light sticks
    •2 emergency candles
    •Pencil and paper,
    •50 ft. nylon rope,
    •waterproof tape,
    •2 cold packs
    • latex-free medical gloves (2 pairs)
    •6 antimicrobial hand wipes
    •bandage scissors,
    •tweezers/forceps
    • 2 finger splints
    •digital thermometer,
    •first aid manual,
    •2 facial tissue packages
    • 2 biohazard waste bags
    • Treat wounds with five 3 x 0.75 in. bandages
    •five 3 x 1 in. bandages,
    •5 knuckle bandages,
    •5 fingertip bandages
    •four 2 x 2 in. gauze pads
    • two 3 x 3 in. gauze pads,
    •two 4 x 4 in. gauze pads,
    •4 yd. x 2 in. stretch gauze,
    •two 9 x 5 in. ABD/combine pads,
    •eye pad
    •5 butterfly closures
    • Treatments include : 3 sting relief wipes, 9 antibacterial wipes, 2 triple antibiotic ointment packets, 2 burn cream packets and 2 eye wash bottles
    • Medications include : 4 Cetafen® acetaminophen tablets, 4 Nutralox® antacid tablets and 4 Proprinal® ibuprofen tablets
    • Also includes 2 Diamode® loperamide HCI antidiarrheal tablets
    • Easy-to-read first-aid guide is written by Dr. William W. Forgey
    • All pieces fit neatly into the 3-compartment nylon backpack with adjustable shoulder straps—stows neatly in a closet or trunk of a car
    • Please note the REI Emergency Kit does not include matches – See more at:

  • No wonder why have the posts with “lists” are so much popular in this internet world 🙂 It makes our life so easy to gather the overall essence of the content with small bullet lists. I love your this post. Also, you explained it nicely with your revision of bullet lists. Keep up the good work!

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