Try your hand at improving the list of bullet points below. Here are the details:
Last night I bought a terrific emergency kit at the REI store. It’s a huge yellow backpack filled with the essentials for surviving an emergency. (My photo shows some of the items.) After I brought the kit home, I read about it online and found the bullet points below.
If you were revising the bulleted list, how might you make the bullet points more consistent and clear? How would you focus on the backpack contents rather than on repetitive, unimportant words? Would you pull anything out of the list?
Details [That was the heading for the points below.]
- Provides relief in an emergency situation with survival goods, tools, safety supplies and personal hygiene items; pack-style bag offers portability
- Contains enough supplies for 1 – 2 people for up to 3 days
- Kit includes emergency items: 2 food packages, 20 water packets, tube tent, 2 waterproof ponchos, 2 rescue blankets, 4 hand warmers and 2 dust masks
- Also includes hand-crank flashlight/radio, multifunction tool, work gloves, 2.5 gal. collapsible water jug, whistle, 4 light sticks and 2 emergency candles
- Also includes pencil, paper, 50 ft. nylon rope, waterproof tape, 2 cold packs, latex-free medical gloves (2 pairs) and 6 antimicrobial hand wipes
- Also includes bandage scissors, tweezers/forceps, 2 finger splints, digital thermometer, first aid manual, 2 facial tissue packages and 2 biohazard waste bags
- Treat wounds with five 3 x 0.75 in. bandages, five 3 x 1 in. bandages, 5 knuckle bandages, 5 fingertip bandages and four 2 x 2 in. gauze pads
- Also includes two 3 x 3 in. gauze pads, two 4 x 4 in. gauze pads, 4 yd. x 2 in. stretch gauze, two 9 x 5 in. ABD/combine pads, eye pad and 5 butterfly closures
- Treatments include 3 sting relief wipes, 9 antibacterial wipes, 2 triple antibiotic ointment packets, 2 burn cream packets and 2 eye wash bottles
- Medications include 4 Cetafen® acetaminophen tablets, 4 Nutralox® antacid tablets and 4 Proprinal® ibuprofen tablets
- Also includes 2 Diamode® loperamide HCI antidiarrheal tablets
- Easy-to-read first-aid guide is written by Dr. William W. Forgey
- All pieces fit neatly into the 3-compartment nylon backpack with adjustable shoulder straps—stows neatly in a closet or trunk of a car
- Please note the REI Emergency Kit does not include matches
Give it a try! I will share my revision after you get a chance to post yours.
Below is my revision. See whether you can recognize the changes.
Details
The backpack provides relief supplies for 1-2 people for up to 3 days in an emergency. It contains survival goods, tools, safety supplies, and personal hygiene items. Contents include:
- 2 food packages, 20 water packets, and a 2.5-gallon collapsible water jug
- Tube tent, 2 waterproof ponchos, 2 rescue blankets, 4 hand warmers, and 2 dust masks
- Hand-crank flashlight/radio
- Multifunction tool
- Work gloves
- Whistle, 4 light sticks, and 2 emergency candles–NO MATCHES
- Pencil and paper
- 50 ft. nylon rope
- Waterproof tape
- 2 cold packs, 2 pairs of latex-free medical gloves, and 6 antimicrobial hand wipes
- Bandage scissors, tweezers/forceps, 2 finger splints, digital thermometer, first aid manual, 2 facial tissue packages, and 2 biohazard waste bags
- Bandages: five 3 x 0.75 in. bandages, five 3 x 1 in. bandages, 5 knuckle bandages, 5 fingertip bandages, four 2 x 2 in. gauze pads, two 3 x 3 in. gauze pads, two 4 x 4 in. gauze pads, 4 yd. x 2 in. stretch gauze, two 9 x 5 in. ABD/combine pads, eye pad, and 5 butterfly closures
- Treatments: 3 sting relief wipes, 9 antibacterial wipes, 2 triple antibiotic ointment packets, 2 burn cream packets, and 2 eye wash bottles
- Medications: 4 Cetafen® acetaminophen tablets, 4 Nutralox® antacid tablets, and 4 Proprinal® ibuprofen tablets, 2 Diamode® loperamide HCI antidiarrheal tablets
If you would like to continue challenging yourself in writing and editing tasks, take my online course Business Writing Tune-Up. It includes getting written feedback from me on a piece of your writing.
Lynn
