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Syntax Training | Lynn Gaertner-Johnston

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Lynn Gaertner-Johnston
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February 15, 2017

Quick Test: Can You Tighten These Bullet Points?

Today a business service I use sent me a bulleted list of updates. Every single bullet point starts with the contraction We've or We're. Those unnecessary words not only stretch out the bullets. They pull the focus away from the essential content. Also, the sentence format encourages wordiness. 

Below are the bulleted list and the text that came before and after it. How would you edit the information to make it tighter and more sharply focused? To test yourself, copy the content into another screen to edit it. Then compare your edits with mine, which appear far below. 

Updates include:

  • We’re updating the list of items that will not be eligible for purchase protection or seller protection.
  • We’re revising the set-off rights by removing the 180-day past due requirement.
  • We’re updating our list of restricted activities.
  • We’re notifying you of the movement and processing of information to cloud-based service providers.
  • We’ve updated the "Payment Method Used for My Transaction" section to describe changes that give you more control and choice in how you want to pay.
  • We’re changing some of the fees we charge.

These changes, along with the others detailed on our Policy Updates Page, will become effective March 29, 2017. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

How many words did you cut? I got the word count down from 104 to 71 words--a 30 percent reduction! 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Compare your revision with mine. 

  

Check our Policy Updates Page for details on these changes, which become effective March 29, 2017: 

  • Updates to items that will not be eligible for purchase protection or seller protection
  • Removal of the 180-day past due requirement in set-off rights
  • Updates to our list of restricted activities
  • Movement of information and its processing to cloud-based service providers
  • Changes that give you more control and choice in how you pay
  • Fee changes

 

What a difference! 

Were your changes similar to mine? I spent about 10 minutes on my revision. That may seem like a long time to edit. But if we had begun with a better draft, editing it would have been faster.  

If you don't have time to edit, consider hiring my partner Scribendi. They provide fast, accurate editing services. 

Grammarly checked and approved this blog post. Try it for free

Lynn
Syntax Training

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Lynn Gaertner-Johnston
Syntax Training Website About Contact Business Writing with Heart - How to Build Great Work Relationships One Message at a Time Free Business Communications Curriculum for College Instructors
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Error Quests
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